Suzannah called as I was reading a press release about folks gathering in Dahlonega (pronounced: “dahlonega”) for a — Would I lie to you? — conference on Bigfoot (aka “Sasquatch”) to be held the weekend of January 12, 2013, at the otherwise normal R Ranch.
She asked if I were going to publicize the event. I told her, “No way!”
Suzannah replied, “Why not?”
How could I not love such a woman … who just happens to be very pretty and kind? With that affirmation, and my affection for the movie, Harry & The Hendersons, we bring you this … this … this … whatever it is.
Do I believe in Bigfoot? No.
Do I believe that believing in Bigfoot is a pretty cool way to make a living? Oh, yeah!
Back when the Earth was warm (circa 1975), I spent a summer in the woods of Alaska building a log cabin with a friend. I learned many secrets on the Kenai Peninsula:
- Living in the woods of Alaska for a summer gets old after a month or two.
- Building a log cabin with hand tools sounds all romantic, but it’s hard work.
- Alaskan mosquitoes are tougher than pit bulls in Georgia.
- Carrying firearms in Alaskan woods is WAY healthier than on-the-job training in Angry Brown Bear Whispering.
- You don’t really need a door on an outhouse.
- It gets cold in Alaska.
- The scariest sound you will ever hear at night in the woods is the cry of the loon.
Is this Bigfoot Conference for real?
Well, this is where it’s helpful to define “reality.”
No, the conference isn’t very close to Lake Allatoona, but just how often do Bigfeet meetings take place?
Here’s a bit of what you can expect, whether you believe it or not ….
One speaker is a gentleman named R. Scott Nelson who — according to the official Bigfoot Conference website — “appeared on his local news November 14, 2013.” Quite a trick, frankly. Mr. Nelson’s more mundane credentials include being a crypto-linguist who plans to officially release “Revision 1 of the Sasquatch Language Alphabet” at the conference.
(Wonder how similar it is to Klingon?)
Also appearing will be Christopher Noel, referred to as a “Yale Graduate and Author Who Has Documented Sasquatch Home Visitation Cases Nationwide.” Who knew Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) had home visitation? Evidently, divorce is more common than initially thought.
Arla Williams has the most interesting bio, whatever it means: “Arla brings the unique parallels to light between these enigmatic people and the indigenous people of this continent as well as around the world. She also is an excellent representative to females in this field of interest and what truly should be expected when engaging or interacting with the sasquatch people, as opposed to myths and legends.”
The minute-by-minute schedule is below. Bigfeet explorers do not stop to eat or evacuate their bladders, evidently. You might want to skip the coffee and bring a roast beast sammich with you.